Pay Off Paul's Mortgage
A five-bedroom house in Surrey. Worth about a million. Encumbered, alas, by a mortgage.
Here is the pitch, in full. There is a man. He has a perfectly nice house and a perfectly ordinary mortgage. He would very much like the second thing to go away. He is not owed this. He knows he is not owed this. And yet, the button exists.
The part that isn't funny
Paul is 47. The mortgage has other ideas.
Twelve years and eight months remain. On the current terms the final payment clears the year he turns 60. That is a great many good years already spoken for. He does not want that.
A complicating factor
Beat the robots to it
There is a wrinkle. Paul works in technology. On the current trajectory, an AI will be doing his job, cheerfully and for nothing, some years before 2039. The goal is to own the house outright before the machines make him redundant. He is fully aware this very page was built with one.
In return for your kindness
You receive one worthless gift
Chosen at random, awarded once payment clears, framed never. There are four kinds, and not one of them is worth anything at all.
Choose your generosity
Sponsor a piece of the house
Every contribution buys a notional fragment of the property. You will not own it. You cannot visit it. The plumbing remains firmly Paul's.
Leave your mark, then pay securely
Say something kind, unhinged, or both. Stuck for words? Let the AI suggest one.
Payments handled by Stripe. You'll be redirected to pay by card, Apple Pay, or Google Pay. Your message posts to the wall once payment clears.
The Wall of Generosity
Kind words from kind strangers
Every benefactor may leave a message. Some are heartfelt. Most are not. All are pinned here for posterity, or until the mortgage clears, whichever comes first.
Be the first to say something regrettable.
Right, the actually useful bit
Pay off your own mortgage
You probably should not pay off a stranger's. You could, however, make a real dent in your own. None of this is regulated financial advice, but all of it is real, and boring in the best possible way.
Overpay when you can
Most UK lenders let you overpay up to 10% of the balance each year with no penalty. Because overpayments come straight off the capital, even small regular ones quietly cut both the interest and the years.
Shorten the term, not the payment
When you remortgage or overpay, ask to reduce the term rather than the monthly figure, if you can afford it. The same money, a lot less interest over the life of the loan.
Never sleepwalk onto the SVR
When a fixed deal ends, lenders roll you onto their standard variable rate, which is usually grim. Start shopping around three to six months before your deal expires.
Consider an offset mortgage
If you hold meaningful savings, an offset lets that balance cancel out the part of the mortgage you pay interest on, while keeping your cash within reach if you need it.
Clear the expensive debt first
Credit cards and overdrafts almost always cost far more than a mortgage. Beat those down before overpaying a cheap fixed rate.
Keep a buffer, and mind the ERC
Hold three to six months of essentials before throwing spare cash at the mortgage. And check your paperwork: overpaying above the allowance during a fixed period can trigger an early repayment charge.
Free tools, no forms
Mortgage calculators
Work out what overpaying really saves you, or what an offset would do. The ungated kind, and nothing you type leaves your browser.
Reasonable questions
You have doubts. Fair.
Is this a joke?
Yes. The mortgage, unfortunately, is not. Both things can be true at once.
Where does the money go?
Toward the balance at the top of the page. Payments are collected by Stripe, then moved against the mortgage. Directly, boringly, and with a receipt if you ask nicely.
What exactly do I get?
A fortune, a joke, a morsel of wisdom, or a certificate of no value whatsoever, chosen at random. Non-refundable, non-negotiable, non-frameable. Frame genuinely not included.
Is this a scam?
A scam takes your money and gives you nothing. This takes your money and gives you a joke about a lightbulb. The two are, we are assured, legally distinct.
Can I just pay off the whole thing?
You can. You would receive one (1) certificate and Paul's eternal, faintly mortified gratitude.